The mermaid scene in Peter Pan was my favourite bit about it, and I loved the film Splash, although I recall myself being oddly ambivalent towards The Little Mermaid, I think that might have been to do with my desire not to see Ariel and Prince Eric kiss, because I loved the part at the beginning, under the sea, seeing all the different mermaids swimming in for the concert.
In fact, I think to a point I was convinced I was one. This lead to countless (countless!) family photos where I was attempting to sit like a mermaid sits. By which I mean, curling my legs behind me like a fin, propping my hands on the floor in front of me and, inexplicably, tilting my head coyly to one side because obviously no mermaid can sit with her head straight.
If you had told me as a kid what could be achieved as an adult with a lot of spare cash and a monofin, I'd have dedicated my savings right away to follow in the footsteps of Mermaid Melissa. I trained myself to be able to swim 50 meters underwater in one go, I bet given enough time and incentive I could have learned to do it wearing a tail.
This obsession has sort of quieted as I've got older, but there's still a certain fascination there. For a while I thought maybe I'd get a fishtail wedding dress, but that experiment ended rather tragically when my thighs met the fitted skirts and did not mesh as well as I had hoped.
However, whilst being a mermaid could not shape my fashion choices, it has meant that my exercise regime of choice is swimming. I've done lots of swimming over the years, including a brief stint learning synchronized swimming.
The problem with swimming as a form of exercise is that you are, more so than any other exercise I can think of, at the mercy of the way other people behave for how your exercise will progress. And the more often I go swimming, the more I want to start dishing out impromptu swimming lessons to people because honestly I don't know what they think they're doing, but most of them time it's not any stroke I recognise.
So, after plenty of frustration, I've decided to vent my spleen and present to you Claire's List of Swimming Pool Dos and Don'ts (mainly don'ts).
1) Unless the pool is totally empty, don't do Butterfly.
Because no matter how well you think you can do it, you can't do it. What happens instead is that you flail around madly, splashing everyone in the vicinity and causing the pool to resemble the sea in a storm. And yes, maybe you have been able, by some flukish turn of momentum, to get from one end of the pool to the other doing what you think is Butterfly. But that doesn't mean you're doing the stroke successfully. Or even at all.
2) Follow the swimming direction signs.
They put those signs up at the end of the lanes for a reason. So that we don't swim into each other, and there's still room to overtake. Don't be a douchebag and swim really slowly right down the middle. There's no reason for it, and trust me, when I swim past you, I'm going to try and get a sneaky kick in.
3) Just because you are splashing more, it doesn't mean you are swimming faster.
Hey you, doing the super splashy front crawl there. Yes, you. Do you want to know why you have to stop for a break at the end of every length? It's because you're expending unnecessary energy trying to have half the pool water in the air at any give time during your swim. If you are splashing it means your stroke is not under the water. This means you aren't getting as much force from your strokes as you'd like, because most of the energy is being used flinging water everywhere like a panicked whale. You will go faster if you don't splash, so try bringing your legs under the surface of the water. Yes, there is a lot of splashing when people swim in the Olympics, but they are swimming MUCH faster than you. At your speed, just splashing around the place isn't going to convince anyone that you're an athlete.
4) There is no need to do a racing turn in the slow lane.
Because really. You're not fooling anyone. You look like an idiot and I just nearly got your foot in my face because you're not very good at them.
5) There are steps for getting into the pool. Use them.
Save the jumping in and splashing everyone for parties, holidays and when the pool is full of kids. When it is adult, laned swimming time, you just look like a jerk when you leap into the pool.
6) Don't spit in the pool.
Don't spit in the pool! Why would you even think that was okay? Jeez.
7) Don't get in the pool with all your friends, then stand at the end of the lane talking and clogging it up instead of swimming.
I get it, everyone needs a break. But to need a break, it would make sense if you did some exercise first. Oh, you don't want to swim? Then go a sit in the lane that is specifically roped off for people who aren't there to exercise instead of entirely clogging up one end of the exercise lane.
8) Don't stand up and walk halfway down the length.
Unless you have a cramp that is crippling, or have otherwise injured yourself, don't stop abruptly halfway down the side of the pool and stand up, looking gormless. I am going to swim into you if you do that.
9) If you have stood up, don't then try to turn around and go back the way you came, get out of the way.
Otherwise, see above, I will swim into you.
10) Because it bears reiterating: Don't spit in the pool.
I mean seriously, what is wrong with you?
However, if you decide that you would rather not follow these rules to make swimming happy and pleasant for everyone, I will accept a donation in the shape of my own private swimming pool. Kthnxbye.
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