Bonjourno!

When I got engaged, I had a mini-meltdown.

I loved my boyfriend with everything I had - even though he can be grumpy, puts his dirty shirts in the clean washing pile, and seems to keep beer bottle caps for sentimental reasons - and whilst I still can't quite get my tiny mortal brain around the concept of 'forever', I didn't want to go anywhere. But ENGAGEMENT and MARRIAGE were big weighty words, and I'm not good with big weighty concepts unless they somehow involve giant cakes.

I was suffering from 'Engagement Anxiety'. The idea of my status suddenly and unexpectedly (REALLY unexpectedly) being upgraded scared me! I didn't like saying, or even writing the word 'engaged', and did everything I could to avoid it. The fear was not quite overwhelming, but certainly staggering. It made me queasy and I wanted to just hide away and not be me. But the reasons behind it were so inexpressible and intangible. I couldn't say why I was scared and anxious, only that I was. It wasn't to do with Jon, or with getting married - of course we'd talked about it, and as far as we were concerned, we'd been 'unofficially' engaged for a while, waiting for the right time and so on.
I tried to explain my feelings to my Mum, but she didn't understand it.
"Well, you want to marry him don't you?"

"Yes, but that's not it. It's just... a BIG thing."

"Oh don't be silly."

So I turned to the internet for advice. That proved about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. Lots of articles discussing the phenomenon, but the level of help offered was along the lines of:  "You're questioning how much you love him" (no I'm not) and "What will make you feel better is having a bachelorette party" (no it won't) etc etc.

I felt a bit disconnected from all the bridal stuff out there. It was either for girls who had been planning their dream wedding since they were kids, or it was so alternative it would cause little old ladies to follow you into the reception hall and ask if it was a real wedding or just pretend (actually happened at my friend's wedding). I'm very average. Middle-of-the-road. Almost cripplingly pragmatic (there isn't much soaring romance in my soul), and I tend to make obtuse connections in my brain. There wasn't anything out there that really wholly suited me, that expressed what I wanted to express, and that didn't at least once make me raise my eyebrows and wonder what they meant.

So I decided to make it for myself. And then, because the internet makes Attention Whores of us all, I published it online.

I hope you like it.