Appellation Station

So, I alluded to this briefly in one of my earlier posts, as part of the things that are "too hard so I've been putting them off" in my wedding planning, but I am currently wrestling with what my potential surname will be when I'm married.


When I was a kid I blithely announced that I would have to marry someone whose surname began with the same letter as mine (if not my own surname, although this was unlikely as it's a pretty unusual one) so that I could keep my initials the same, because they presently spell out an Italian word and that delights me.

As I got older I figured that naturally I would be changing my name, but obviously that wouldn't be a problem because by the time I got to the age of getting married I would have already accomplished so much under my maiden name, left my stamp on the world with that identity, and would be ready to move on to my new name. I would be a successful author, perhaps, writing under my maiden name so as to allow any potential children some anonymity from my hoardes of screaming fans. So on so forth et cetera.

Naturally, given my stellar understanding of how accomplishment and fame work, I have of course not managed to do any of these things. But lo, here I am, on the brink of marriage (6 months to go next Tuesday) and suddenly having to consider actually changing my name.

Now for the sake of illustration, I will be using the Psuedo-surnames Bulwer and Lytton, which match mine and Jon's surnames in syllables and some assonance.

I've been a Bulwer for nearly 27 years now. I'm used to being a Bulwer. I like it, I think it fits me.

Faced with the prospect of being a Lytton, I instead find myself struggling to part with my identity for a number of reasons, including, but not limited to:


I don't like change.

I don't. It upsets me. I'm still not over the new photocopier they put in at work (well, that is awful,  and thus justified). This was ably demonstrated in my initial freakout when Jon and I got engaged, and my occasional wobbles when I think about getting married, only to calm myself down by reassuring myself that nothing has or will change fundamentally.

Sometimes I'm okay with change - if it is something beyond my control, if it is something that just has to happen, then I can cope and adjust, but if it is something that I have to make an active decision about? I will dither and fret until people either make the decision for me or I have to just close my eyes and pick.



I feel like it is a bit anti-feminist

 You may have noticed that occasionally on this blog I let slip my somewhat feminist leanings. And whilst some people may argue that the act of marriage is in itself anti-feminist, I am of the school of feminism that feels that as long as people are doing something willingly and equally, with a full understanding of it, then if they're not hurting other people they should be free to do it. However, there is something that sticks a little about the idea of totally removing an aspect of my identity for marriage and substituting it for my husband's instead. Whilst I know it isn't the case, it does feel a little bit like a transferral of property, and like I am being subsumed by this new role as wife.

I know this absolutely isn't the case, and I don't at all think this of women who do change their name after marriage, but it is something which is niggling with me a bit - I had an identity prior to marriage, and I'll continue to have an individual identity after marriage. Shouldn't my name reflect that in some way? Why is my name okay to change, but the man's stays the same? I feel like it is betraying my feminist beliefs in some way to do this.

In Jon's defense, he has never pushed that he wants me to change my name, he has even considered changing his so we hyphenate and both have the same name, Bulwer-Lytton. But, as he's a man he's never had to consider changing his name before so it has been a very difficult thing for him to get his head around.


'Lytton' is actually a surname of a very famous pop culture figure

On the bonus it means it will be  much easier to spell to people over the phone. On the downside it limits the names of potential children a little, and means that it feels like a much more common name. Being a Bulwer, I've never met anyone else with the same name. We were the only family of Bulwers in my town, and I think only one of two in our county. I believe it's a more common name in North America, but I have never in my life met a Bulwer I wasn't related to. It felt like being part of an exclusive little club. It's no fault of Jon's that in the last twenty years Lytton has suddenly become such a hugely famous surname internationally, but even aside from that it was a more common name anyway, so even though it's petty it is something which I can't help but note.



Now, hyphenating is definitely an option. Bulwer-Lytton sounds pretty nifty, and is just the correct number of syllables (and he was also a famous Victorian author, btw). But this also raises issues - I wouldn't be able to just use my marriage certificate to change my name, I'd have to use Deed Poll; would my in-laws think that I'm rejecting them in some way; if we have kids and they get the double-barrelled name, will they hate me forever when they are first learning how to write?

etc. etc.


But even then it still feels weird. I guess it's just a case of getting used to it, but until then every time I think of it there's a little part of my brain just going "what's happening why are you calling me that?"

This is all definitely just to do with me over-thinking things to the Nth degree again, as I do. And there's only one thing to do when you are suffering internal turmoil over something very silly.

10 Things I Like About Myself

So a while back the wonderful Christy over at Avoiding Atrophy did a post listing 10 things she liked about herself. As a crusader for improving self-esteem and positive self-image, she has moved on to run a Link-Up, encouraging her readers and their readers and so on and so forth to think about the things they like about themselves.

 The master-post can be found here.

It's very easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism, and to assess yourself by perceived societal standards that are higher than any you hold others to, or that others hold for you. I know I'm very guilty of considering myself a failure, and I'm incapable of taking a compliment, instead always rebutting them by pointing out some flaw of myself for people to see as an alternative. (A recent example - "I really love your coat!" "Yeah, but I've lost a button"). It's a habit that I know drives Jon to distraction sometimes. If he were ever to eventually snap and murder me, it wouldn't be anything to do with the towels on the floor by the washing machine, it would be because he told me I looked nice and I listed all the reasons why I don't one too many times.

I wonder if part of this is cultural - the British are apparently known for being self-deprecating, and struggle to sell themselves. 

So, in the spirit of self-belief and self-confidence, here are 10 things I like about myself:

1) My breasts are pretty awesome. In fact, I might go so far as to say they are magnificent even. There are some tops that when I wear them people are like "Hello Claire, and hello Claire's breasts." I spent all of high school wishing for something in the chestal region, and was delighted when I edged my way into a B-cup. Then came University and seemingly all of a sudden BAM! E-cup. And I love them. Yes, they may make choosing necklines difficult, too high and it's frumpy, too low and it's a bit alarming for all involved, but it's worth it. I can't talk about my breasts in real life very often, and I'm really quite proud of them.

2) I'm a good cook. I mean, yes, I do have a tendency to sometimes get bored and wander off to the detriment of more normal meals, but I can make an amazing Hungarian Goulasch, my chicken soup is delicious, and every time I make my chocolate brownies I have to increase the recipe because they get eaten so quickly.

I made these chocolate brownie cookies before Christmas and they were AMAZING. When I make a project of a meal or a cake it turns out great, and I'm pretty good at knowing what flavours will compliment each other to freestyle on existing recipes.


3) I have a really good memory for seemingly obscure facts. This makes me seem very impressive in pub conversations, but unfortunately gives me no aid in pub quizzes because they never seem to ask questions relevant to my random facts. Jon compared me a bit to the characters in the film Space Cowboys, where they memorize the eye chart to fake their way through an eye test, because they can't read it. I know a lot of little things in a lot of subjects to give the impression I know a lot. That said, I also do have my 'specialist subjects' which I can bring up information from at any given moment. Like Greco-Roman mythology, the Harry Potter books and all the words to the poem Jabberwocky.




4)  I am good at critical reading. Movies, books, tv shows, I love reading into them from different critical points of view and supporting them with evidence from the source. I've impressed people with the way I do it. In a discussion about whether Disney films were unfeminist, I provided this critical reading of The Little Mermaid:

"...You can argue Ariel’s voicelessness in a couple of ways – that men won’t fall in love with women who speak out, or that a woman’s personality will shine through despite everything else she faces. Although that first argument I suppose is weak because it is the strength of Ariel’s voice that grabs Eric’s attention in the first place, and the appropriation of that voice that distracts him, when it is put to the wrong use. Ariel’s voice is continually praised as being the most beautiful, the strongest and most unique, and allegorically speaking you can read that as because she is insistent on speaking for herself. Her voice and speech gives her power, which is why Ursula sees it as valuable and takes it from her, with the intention of making her powerless. But then Ariel proves that whilst she can be silenced, she is not totally devoid of power or agency, she just has to find other ways to utilise it, and her regaining her voice after learning these lessons makes her stronger than she was at the start, when she relied on her voice to make things happen rather than her actions too."

And someone messaged me afterwards to ask if I was a Professor or a researcher somewhere. That made me really happy, I look up to academics and researchers so for someone to read my just-for-fun analysis of the symbolism of voices in The Little Mermaid and thing "wow this person must do this for a living" was wonderful.

 

5) I'm enthusiastic. I like being involved in things, and have fun with them. My friend spent most of high school trying to get me to stop volunteering for things, but dammit I have a lot of fun when I volunteer, and I've got some great stories from it. It did work out less well for her when one of the times I volunteered us for something she got 800 gallons of water dropped on her, but it's a great story.

6) I don't quit easily. I stick with things, even if they are hard, until I either finish them or it becomes silly to keep going (I'm looking at you Synchronised Swimming lessons). I finished my teacher training even though I decided not to become a teacher - alongside a part time job and volunteering at a local Rainbows group (which I've been at for 5 or 6 years now), I've not been without a job since I was 15, and I've stuck with How I Met Your Mother right through to the bitter end so there better be a damn good payoff.

7) I make people laugh. I like to think that it's with me, not at me. 

8) I enjoy the ridiculousness of life. I can find humour and pleasure in all sorts of bizarre quirks of life and humanity. That's why Jon proposed using a ring box shaped like a cowboy hat, because I saw them, loved how brazenly unconcerned they were with what the rest of the world thought with regards to good taste, and declared I wouldn't say yes if he proposed without one. I never thought he would find one, but when he did, and then had to order a dozen because you could only buy them in bulk, I felt like I could laugh for a week. Best story ever. (we now only have 11 because I killed one of them, they are not sturdy).

Whilst the show is awful awful awful, sometimes I think Max from 2 Broke Girls is my spirit animal in the delight she takes in just about everything weird she comes across. And also has magnificent breasts.

9) I am improving all the time with my art. I'll acknowledge it's not the best out there, but I'm always always making progress, and developing. I'm not stuck, I'm learning new skills and I'm so pleased. In the last year I feel like I've gone so far in my personal development and I'm really proud of myself.

 January 2013

January 2014

10) I do a lot of cool stuff. Laserquest? All over that. Ice skating? Got my own skates. I've been swimming in a thermal lake, been to a baths, been paintballing. I've seen TV shows being recorded live, I met famous people at conventions, I've been to a lecture by a Nobel Peace Prize winner. I've volunteered for events at Disneyland that got my friend soaked by 800 gallons of water, I've stroked a sloth and kayaked across a lake in the Canadian Rockies where I saw a bald eagle. I've been to a folk festival and a book festival and a beer festival and a food festival. I've been to concerts and plays and musicals and comedy gigs. I've toured stately homes and cottages, art galleries and museums, gardens and bars. I've been very fortunate and had a very exciting life, and I'm looking forward to doing so many more things!

Wow, it was really hard to think of 10 things, which is also a little bit sad. But guys, please join in! What are your 10 favourite things about YOU?

You can see all the posts other people have made here.