Let's be realistic. You and I both know that the only reason I am going to the gym is so that when I am shoe-horned into a white dress, Greenpeace don't come and try to drag me out to deeper water because I look like Moby Dick's little sister. But people at the gym don't know that. Can't we all just at least pretend that I'm there for more substantial, less vain reasons? That I'm there to improve my way of life, so I stop getting out of breath climbing stairs. Maybe, MAYBE, people might even think I enjoy being there, and that I wouldn't rather be at home eating pie, drinking wine and watching a film where either Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling takes his shirt off.
And even worse, I would rather light myself on fire than wear a shirt that says "Sweating for the Wedding". Way to kill what little allure I'd managed to cling onto whilst doing my impersonation of Jabba the Hutt on the crosstrainer.
(image from RufflesWithLove on Etsy)
- EARN YOUR SHOWER
- WORKING IT FOR THE DRESS
- OPERATION: WEDDING DRESS
- NOT A BRIDEZILLA
Things I might consider:
- I'D RATHER BE SLEEPING
- PIES ARE GREAT
- THIS IS ONLY SO I CAN GET DRUNK TONIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY
(Image from Spreadshirt.com)
A teeny tiny tanktop and hotpants
Yes, skinny girl at the gym, I'm talking to you. Maybe you are fortunate enough that your thighs don't rub together when you run, but that doesn't mean I want a full unfiltered view of the underside of your arse as you spring merrily onto the treadmill in what is basically your underwear. If I turned up wearing that skimpy little camisole, with my bra showing, and those itty bitty shorts, I'm certain the result would be positively obscene. Also, it's freaking February. Go put some clothes on. What would your mother say if she saw you out of the house dressed like that?
Make-up
Honestly, my face feels gross enough underneath a load of makeup after a night out clubbing, and I get way more hot and sweaty at the gym. Because that's what you're supposed to do there. Surely when you get all sweaty the makeup gunks into your skin, and doesn't your mascara start to clump up or run? And if it doesn't then either you've got really expensive makeup, you're an android, or you're not exercising properly. I shouldn't feel underdressed when I go to the gym - and walking into the changing room often feels like walking into a very exclusive club and the doorman let me in by mistake.
Nothing
Much as I dislike feeling underdressed at the gym, I am profoundly uncomfortable feeling overdressed. My gym is a University gym, reserved entirely for staff and students. This means there is a chance you could be wandering around nekkid and bump into your Lecturer and/or Boss. This appears to not occur to or bother a lot of people at the gym, but frankly the idea of my boss even seeing my sports bra (which is a fairly substantial item of clothing in itself) gives me the wiggins.
Of course, this may be because for a short while after the gym opened, one of the senior members of my department seemed to keep leaping out at me from behind lockers in the changing rooms and scaring the beejeebus out of me. It was like a Monty Python sketch - "No-One expects Viola in her swimsuit!"
Totally aside from that, it's a bit of a sucker-punch to the self-esteem to walk through the door and suddenly be surrounded by tiny naked Chinese girls. It feels like a porny Gulliver's Travels, where I'm a giant and Lilliput is full of Asian Nudists.
My Engagement Ring
Or any jewellery actually. I see a lot of people on forums or on pinterest who have 'gym rings', but this would not work for me.
- Exercise makes me sweaty and gross, and I don't want to associate that feeling with my ring. I don't want my pretty 'tainted' with exercise and fitness and healthy things. I might start taking it off when I eat salads.
- When I get hot and sweaty, I take my jewellery off. I might not even pay attention when I'm doing it. And I've got form for leaving stuff in the cupholders around the gym when I swap equipment. Which, y'know, is bad enough when it's the key to your locker. I'd rather not test myself.
Do you have any Gym No-Nos?
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