The other kind of Registering

The marriage system in England is largely governed by a part of the government known as the General Register Office, part of HM Passport Services. They are responsible for the registration of births, deaths and marriages in England and Wales.

They are the gatekeepers of the legal part of the marriage.

And they are really goddamn anal about paperwork.

SO in order to be able to get legally married in England and Wales (please note, this isn't true of all of Great Britain - the marriage laws in Scotland and Ireland are independent, and I'm not aware of the full details for them) you have to give a minimum of three weeks notice of your intention to marry. To do this you have to go to the Registry Office in the parish you live in (or the nearest one if there isn't one in your immediate town), with proof of address from the last three months, a valid passport and £35 each for the privilege. If you want to get married in a church, you need to bring a letter from the vicar saying that it's all good.

THIS is where it gets complicated.

If you want to have a civil wedding - i.e. not religious at all, in a hotel or a golf club or a theatre etc. etc. that is absolutely fine, so long as the venue is licensed for weddings. You can go anywhere in the country, no-one will care from a legal perspective. You are fine and dandy.

If you want to have a Church of England wedding, you are also fine. If the church is outside the parish you live in, you simply have to prove some connection to the church - i.e. baptised there, grew up in the parish, have a family member who attends the church, and check that the vicar is okay to marry you. He or she will need to write a letter for you to take to the Registry office for you to give Notice of your Intention to Marry, but it's all golden otherwise.

However if you want to get married in a religious institution other than the Church of England outside of the parish you live in? Well. You can't. UNLESS it is your regular place of worship, or there isn't a place of worship for your religion within your parish.


Here's the thing - the church we are getting married in is a Catholic church. I grew up in the Parish. I was baptised there. My mum's a Eucharistic minister there. I attend mass there when I am home.

For the Registry Office, my only attending mass there when I am home would be absolutely fine for it to fall under my 'Regular Place of Worship', even if I only go at Christmas and Easter. Funnily enough, though, the church also requires me to attend mass regularly, and for some odd reason they feel that perhaps I should be going more often than twice a year for it to count as 'regular' worship.

So I have been attending the church around the corner from my office, every week, in order to meet the church requirements for regular attendance. But in doing so, I have then invalidated the legal perspective that the church I want to get married in is my regular place of attendance.

If it were a Church of England church, our getting married there would be no problem.

The laws which are causing all this kerfuffle? Were written in 1830 and haven't been changed since then. The registry office lady who we met the first time cheerfully told us that it was written by the churches, but lady, if it was 1830, the Catholics won't have had anything to do with writing that law. It would have all been written by the Church of England. Who are, oddly enough, the only religion exempt from that stupid law.

Anyway, this is what we discovered in our first visit. We regrouped. The priest wrote a letter stating that, by the Registry Office definition, the church we want to get married in is Jon's stable place of worship, because he doesn't go anywhere else. Which, you know, doesn't defeat the object of the exercise at all, but apparently counts because it follows the letter of the law, so whatever.


Once the paperwork hoop has been jumped through, you are then separated, and asked questions one at a time to make sure that this isn't a sham marriage.

Unfortunately this section didn't go so smoothly for Jon, who after being quizzed on whether or not 'PhD Student' could count as his occupation, then managed to forget the time and date of the wedding, and the address of the church. Apparently the woman got a little snippy with him, which caused him to get more flustered and forget more things.

I was in and out in five minutes - Jon was in there for at least twenty.

However, somehow we passed! Our intention to wed is listed on the Registry Office website in case anyone wants to make a legal objection to the marriage, and in 20 days we will be sent the forms which say 'YES YOU CAN BE MARRIED'.



Are things this complicated pre-wedding where you guys are from? I'd be interested to hear the different legal routes required in different places!

12 Months Served

So, yesterday marked 1 year since Jon proposed to me. I'm a little shocked by how quickly it's gone, which I'm fully aware sounds trite and cliched, but in my defence, we did move house over the Summer, so that basically knocked about three months straight out of the Calendar.

Of course, when I say 'yesterday', I actually mean Sunday 15th, which from where I'm sitting as I'm writing now (Wednesday 11th) is four days away. I'm telling you this, and thus removing the air of mystery from my blog posts, because I know I'm going to get my timelines all muddled up at some point, so I figured full disclosure from the outset was probably best.

(I've also been up since 4:30am to drop Jon at the airport, and so I've been up for like 5 hours and it's not even 10am, and I've been in work for three hours, except I couldn't get into the building until 7:00am so I sat in the car park for an hour before that, and I hurt my foot opening a door like an hour and a half ago and it's still sore, so this might not be very coherent at all. But let's just have fun with it.)

Now, I spend a lot of time skulking around over on the forums at Weddingbee, which are nice and active. (I actually found them because Jon spent time lurking on there trying to get tips on engagement rings in the run up to our engagement - ever the academic, putting hours of research in!) There is a huge subsection of this forum dedicated to people who are 'waiting' to be engaged. This is not a concept that I had ever come across prior to Weddingbee, and I will admit I'm still not sure on what people mean when they say they've been "waiting for x number of years". Is that how long it's been since they and their partner talked about getting married one day? Or is it the length of the whole relationship? And if it's the length of the whole relationship, does that mean that they've literally been waiting for their partner to propose since their first date? What about just enjoying the relationship? Does it not count in its own right? Is it literally all about getting married?

I'd rather hoped society had moved past the idea that all women need is a husband, doesn't matter who, by now. And that relationships were all equally valid whether they were legally certified or not, so 'waiting' was a redundant concept, that was demeaning to both parties involved, and seemed to be tragically reminiscent of eras long gone.


But I'm getting off-topic. My point is that I wasn't one of those girls who was constantly expecting a proposal. In fact, to say that the proposal was unexpected feels too mild, too understated to describe exactly the state of mind I was in when it happened. I was so set and comfortable in my life and relationship as was, and I don't take surprises very well at all, so my reaction was definitely less-than-dignified.

 

Fortunately Jon knows me well enough not to take my reactions personally, and also to know that I am easily distracted by shiny things so the beautiful ring he chose helped very much to take my mind off my anxieties from time-to-time.

Because by god I was anxious. I'd had this sudden change in status thrust upon me with no preparation, no warning! Jon had been planning for months, he had some idea, but me? I was entirely passive in this situation - a victim of a drive-by proposing! Shell-shocked and unbalanced, and utterly panicked.

How can I explain it? There were multiple issues at play. Firstly anxieties about this sudden 'change' in our relationship. It was silly because I knew I was committed to this man and had no desire to leave him, but suddenly getting a ring made it all seem very official and public. Another cause of anxiety was that I dreaded people commenting on it - I wasn't expecting bad comments at all, but we've kept our relationship very low-key and downplay it a lot. We're totally different people in private, honestly we're obnoxious, but in public we're much more reserved - which is how I think it should be! The private parts of my relationship are like my underwear: essential, always there, supportive and something that I'll invest in, but just as I'll never be comfortable showing my lovely matching bra-and-knickers off in public, the idea of making this part of our relationship public property for however long it took for the excitement to blow over made me want to squirm. Whilst I'm certain I'd probably get some compliments on my underwear (set I'm wearing provided - I have, if I may say so, excellent taste, but not necessarily the money to indulge it), I'm not about to run it up the flagpole and see who salutes; so knowing that we'd only get good reactions to our engagement didn't make me any keener to shout it from the rooftops.

Another issue was perhaps this inbuilt fear of aging and that getting married required a level of maturity I did not possess. The 'reasons I'm not mature enough to get married' strips are only the tip of the iceberg. Marriage has always felt like a 'some time in the future' sort of thing, when I felt like I'd achieved the fabled status of 'Grown Up'. I still feel like I don't know what's happening half the time. I struggle to keep on top of my laundry. I like pick-and-mix way too much, and I get frustrated at museums when little kids hog all the interactive displays and I can't have a go. Jon can always tell when I've been watching TV during the day because he comes home and it's set to a cartoon channel. I got annoyed when kids pushed in front of me in the queue at Disneyland so I didn't get to meet Belle, because when I got to the front of the queue they swapped her out for Beast - if I have to queue, why don't they? (I'm also compiling a lengthy list on why I'm not mature enough to ever reproduce, but we'll get to that later)

 But also the terrifying thing about 'some day' becoming 'today' means that all the things that previously followed 'some day' in a vague way are now in front of me in an inevitable timeline that has made me staggeringly aware of my own mortality and how quick life disappears in front of us, something which I had been comfortably denying to myself for years. Basically, now I'm going to grow old and die and it's all Jon's fault.

Part of my motivation for starting The W Word in the first place was because I felt frustrated that in the midst of this anxiety, all I could find were posts about how wonderful and amazing it was to be engaged (which yes, it is nice) and women who were giddy and happy and laughed and shrieked and danced. Not women who swore and got drunk and hid their ring in their bag when they first went back to work after the proposal because they didn't want people to see and say something. I know there are other girls out there who have felt engagement anxiety and GUYS: YOU'RE NOT ALONE. Wedding culture can easily make anyone with doubts and nerves feel like an alien or an outsider (unless you're a man, in which case it seems to be expected and nigh on encouraged) I wanted to do this post because I'd felt a bit like my initial reason for this had been lost in the year since the engagement, because my anxieties about being engaged have settled, but my motivation was to help other people facing this.


I perhaps didn't deal with my anxieties in the healthiest way. I acknowledged them, and then I forced myself to push out of my comfort zone, anxieties be damned. Like tearing off a plaster. What helped though was the realisation that nothing had changed between Jon and I. We didn't have to start treating each other differently, we didn't magically feel different because suddenly I had some bling. Nor, fundamentally, did my relationship with the world at large change. And continuity is a lovely calming thing.

Now, I know myself, and I know that the closer we get to the big day the more likely I am to have a bit of an anxiety flare-up. And not in a cute, demure blushing bride sort of way. More like in a climbing out of the bathroom window and running for the hills sort of way.

But I'm talking about it - and talking helps, even if I'm just cracking jokes. Because that means I'm not just bottling it all up and letting the pressure build and build until I pop.


This post ended up in a totally different place from what I had initially, vaguely planned in my sleep-deprived brain.

Did anyone else suffer from Engagement Anxiety? If you have, how did you overcome it? Have you overcome it yet? This is a safe space!

DRESS EXCITEMENT round 2

Remember when I didn't buy my wedding dress?

Well, last month, I did.

I found a shop near my home which a) sold the dress I wanted, and b) was conveniently having a sale (yaaay!) This shop is amazing - UK brides, I highly recommend Eternal Bride, in Warwick. I went there at the start of my dress shopping saga (8 stores, roughly forty dresses) and the service was great, so I had been hoping to if possible buy from them.

Tragically, they did not stock a sample of The Dress, but I figured that I'd tried it on 3 times now, so I knew what I looked like in it and it ticked off everything on my list:


- Sweetheart Neckline
- Strapless
- Dropped-waist a-line
- Lace edging on hem (ideally)
- Point d'esprit lace overlay
- A bit of tulle for some floof
- Empire line detailing
- Buttons


SPOILERS: This is not the dress I bought in the end.

I KNOW RIGHT. After all that fuss, after so nearly buying it from London, I picked a totally different dress.

Bear with me.

The dress I thought I loved, for reference, was the amazing Pronovias Berta:

If I am strictly honest with myself, I was still doubting it. The model pictures weren't speaking to me, and I'd been losing enthusiasm and found myself doubting if I would bite the bullet and buy it in the sale or if I'd leave it and just see if I could try it on again, one more time, to see. I had a nagging feeling that something was missing from it, something wasn't quite right, but couldn't quite work it out.

Not pockets.

When I went to the shop I was there to be convinced that there was nothing else out there more perfect for me, and that this was the dress. If it had been, I would have been very happy! But it transpires, it wasn't the case.

I tried on a number of other dresses during this appointment - all different from the Berta, although one had a very similar skirt, which proved handy when it came to decision-time.

The dress I bought was the first one I tried on this appointment, and I was stunned. I looked really good in it, and it fit perfectly!

It looked so elegant, and classy, and it had sleeves - something I'd been avoiding after trying on a few dresses with them at the start of the process which just all looked wrong, sat wrong on my boobs, scratched at my arms... as far as I had been concerned, no good things came with sleeves.

Until this dress.

But as I am prone to overthinking, and believe in nothing so much as the inherent changeability of human nature, I still did not commit. I tried on another dress, and another, and another. Each one a slightly different style.

None like that though.

In the end, we came back to two - one that was close enough to the Berta to use for comparison, but with sleeves (we tucked those in), and the Elegant and Classy dress. (not that the Berta isn't elegant and classy, this is just for differentiation).

And. Man. Goshdarnit. The Elegant and Classy dress made me look super tall and super slim and super elegant. I'd done my hair and makeup properly, and looking in the mirror I got a pretty good idea of what I'd look like for the day.

I didn't get a 'moment', like a flash of knowledge that this was THE ONE dress. But I looked very good in it. And it was light, and so easy to move in compared to the other dresses I'd tried on (including one incredibly weighty Sophia Tolli dress, with an underlayer of silver threads that I couldn't stop thinking about slug trails when I looked at it). All my family there - it was a 21st birthday party for one of my cousins that weekend, so we had a bit of a Family Outing to the dress shop - agreed it was the best dress. And I did hesitate to make a decision, but in the end I bought it.


Looking at it again, this dress is closer to the one I drew years ago, when I was idly pondering what sort of wedding dress I'd want, and also to a number of dresses I pinned on pinterest even though they totally weren't anything like my ticklist, but the pictures spoke to me anyway. I think I got a bit wrapped up in elaborate dresses, a bit distracted by detailing and photos in magazines. Whilst comparatively, what I'd been looking at was simple when held against some of the stuff out there, it was more than what was really 'me'.


From my tick list from above, this is what I walked out with:

- Sweetheart Neckline
- Dropped-waist a-line (sooort of?)
- A bit of tulle for some floof

I am VERY EXCITED about this though. I'm surprised I bought it so early (my plan had been to buy in September at the very earliest), but I think it will work out for the best. 

SO MANY people say you get the 'wow' moment though and guys, I really really didn't. I know I'm over-analytical, I know I overthink more than other people, but honestly I don't think you have to start crying when you've found your dress - and panic that you've made the wrong choice if you don't. I am doing everything in my power to discourage ANYONE crying for ANY reason at wedding related things, because frankly I find the whole thing really really awkward. 

Unfortunately this perhaps means I might not be the most demure and elegant bride...

 ...if it stops people crying, I'm there.

Besides, I'm not sure expressing the VERY REAL concern that with long hair, when you're dancing and get hot and sweaty, it can get stuck under your arms if it's not put up, really deserved the intense recoiling that it got when I mentioned it in the dress shop. THIS IS A REALITY FOR LADIES WITH LONG HAIR. IT CAN'T JUST BE ME THIS HAPPENS TO. IT IS A PRACTICALITY WE HAVE TO THINK OF. I AM JUST SAYING.

Yes, maybe, I could have just said that "I'm having it up because I get too hot with it on the back of my neck", but that would have required thinking before speaking.

The Proposal

Once upon a time - well, 15th September 2012 - I went out for the day.
I was at J-con, a day-long convention which I actually really enjoyed. My expectations had been pretty low, and it was an early morning and predicted to be a long day, so when I found myself chilling out and having a good time, I was pleasantly surprised. I also bought some art from the extremely talented Echosilver - two originals, and a gorgeous little print of a watercolour to go on my desk, for the princely sum of 14 of your English Pounds. I was very pleased.

Then I headed home - to the promise of a roast dinner cooked by Jon, because it was getting towards that time of year and we'd both been starting to think that it was time to head into Winter Mode (Roasts, PJs, Red Wine etc etc).

And I was greeted by this:

Yes, candles, candles we have had before, those were nice, but not the bit that got my attention. Focus on the important part.

Jon had tidied the dining room.

I was delighted. That place had been a shit-tip for weeks, because it's the first room you come into, and it's become a natural dumping ground for crap - coats, shoes, bags, stuff we need to take out of bags that we don't have time to put away right now, junk mail, real mail etc etc.

TIDY. <3

And the candles were pretty too. And scented, so the sort of dampish smell that we sometimes get from the laundry was all gone.

So Jon dished up the dinner (minted lamb - yummm!) but then scurried off to get drinks, and reappeared with a bottle of rose champagne.

HERE is where my alerts came on. I asked what this was all for, and he grinned. Then a look of horror and panic came over my face as he fumbled for whatever-it-was in his pocket, and that made him panic and thrust it towards me with

"It's a hat!"
This was not an inaccurate statement.

Inside the hat, however, was this:

Well. I rather felt like I'd had a comedy piano dropped on me. I said yes - there wasn't much else I really could say. And then I swore at him. And then we drank both bottles of sparkling wine and I swore at him some more.

He revealed that he had a dozen tiny cowboy hat jewellery boxes, because they could only be bought in bulk. He'd been researching rings for months - it's gold, tanzanite and diamond (and matches my Graduation Ring perfectly - also gold, tanzanite and diamond). And it nearly perfectly fits - he stole my Graduation Ring without me noticing to get my ring fitting - unfortunately, that goes on my middle finger and not my ring one. But it's near as dammit a perfect fit.

"It's your birthstone," he told me.

"Is it?" I said. "I thought my birthstone was Topaz."

"Well, there seem to be a couple for each month. But Tanzanite is definitely one of the birthstones for December."


...

"My birthday's in November."



Yeah, he swore a lot. And then he admitted that the flowers he bought - carnations - he'd thought were roses, and hadn't realised until he got home and read the label.

And then one of the candles which he'd put the used match in flared up and singed the cabinet we'd inherited from my Granny.
It wasn't a perfect proposal by any means, but that's what made it perfect for us. That, and a dozen tiny cowboy hats make anything okay.


Do any of you have funny proposal stories? Did you handle it well? Did anything go wrong?

Bonjourno!

When I got engaged, I had a mini-meltdown.

I loved my boyfriend with everything I had - even though he can be grumpy, puts his dirty shirts in the clean washing pile, and seems to keep beer bottle caps for sentimental reasons - and whilst I still can't quite get my tiny mortal brain around the concept of 'forever', I didn't want to go anywhere. But ENGAGEMENT and MARRIAGE were big weighty words, and I'm not good with big weighty concepts unless they somehow involve giant cakes.

I was suffering from 'Engagement Anxiety'. The idea of my status suddenly and unexpectedly (REALLY unexpectedly) being upgraded scared me! I didn't like saying, or even writing the word 'engaged', and did everything I could to avoid it. The fear was not quite overwhelming, but certainly staggering. It made me queasy and I wanted to just hide away and not be me. But the reasons behind it were so inexpressible and intangible. I couldn't say why I was scared and anxious, only that I was. It wasn't to do with Jon, or with getting married - of course we'd talked about it, and as far as we were concerned, we'd been 'unofficially' engaged for a while, waiting for the right time and so on.
I tried to explain my feelings to my Mum, but she didn't understand it.
"Well, you want to marry him don't you?"

"Yes, but that's not it. It's just... a BIG thing."

"Oh don't be silly."

So I turned to the internet for advice. That proved about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. Lots of articles discussing the phenomenon, but the level of help offered was along the lines of:  "You're questioning how much you love him" (no I'm not) and "What will make you feel better is having a bachelorette party" (no it won't) etc etc.

I felt a bit disconnected from all the bridal stuff out there. It was either for girls who had been planning their dream wedding since they were kids, or it was so alternative it would cause little old ladies to follow you into the reception hall and ask if it was a real wedding or just pretend (actually happened at my friend's wedding). I'm very average. Middle-of-the-road. Almost cripplingly pragmatic (there isn't much soaring romance in my soul), and I tend to make obtuse connections in my brain. There wasn't anything out there that really wholly suited me, that expressed what I wanted to express, and that didn't at least once make me raise my eyebrows and wonder what they meant.

So I decided to make it for myself. And then, because the internet makes Attention Whores of us all, I published it online.

I hope you like it.